Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

ㅤ

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me