I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake