Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.