Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Oh yeah that’s it

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.