I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.