@frogshack

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

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@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

@Phook75

Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures

@HeyZeus666

I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.

@treydayway

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

@juliussharpe

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

@huntigula

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head