Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.