I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple