Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure