Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

twitter users today:

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today