Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.