I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You Might Also Like
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.