I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
You sure about that?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again