Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.