Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.