I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
August 8
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
These are too funny not to post 😂
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!