Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.