Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?