I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
where do you see yourself in five years?
![]()
*seductively corrects your posture*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
This hospital has everything
![]()
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers