ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.