@Mulva74

I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.

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@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@JohnASinclair

I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

@BrokenDollMcGee

my luck, when someone actually falls in love with me, they will only tell me so shouted in German

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.