I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.

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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony


I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”


She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]


I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?


wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]


my luck, when someone actually falls in love with me, they will only tell me so shouted in German


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.