i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?