Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

LMAO

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?