I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]