Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.