I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
moms in horror movies
Oh the world we live in…
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.