I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?