I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Blew my mind.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.