I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Lol
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it