I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
The Joker was right
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.