You Might Also Like
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me