Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Does your wife know you’re single?

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.