“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
