Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

man: wait

time: no

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.