“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

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That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.


*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?


Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*


Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen
Biden: I didn’t want Trump to feel-
Obama: Joe,
Biden: …lonely


Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*


Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.


Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.