“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
getting corrected
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.