Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.