I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.