Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

The booster protects against what, now?