I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
boat question
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
🐟✨ #re4
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.