I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You Might Also Like
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I have so many questions.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Is this anything
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?