I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.