Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

fly smarter, not harder

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.