Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.