I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Tapped in
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube