I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
quarantine day 3
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.