Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

just got my engagement photos

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.