I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
😍😂🥰😂😍
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”