I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
🙀🙀🙀😹
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Just a bush.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.