I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You Might Also Like
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia