I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Worth a try
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
we’re dead?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
be safe out there!
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.