I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Thursday
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand