I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?