I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?