I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.