Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.