I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.