I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?