I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
