@ItsDumbTweets

I felt that…

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@ItsSamG

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

@Mr_Kapowski

Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

@cynicanoldicus

The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

@Darlainky

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

@Oxey_Rotten

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

@stevevsninjas

HER: You didn’t make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?

@TweetPotato314

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one