I felt that…

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WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well


So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?


My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.


My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.


*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd


I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can


Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.