@ItsDumbTweets

I felt that…

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@FeelingEuphoric

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

@the_mom_dot_com

My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.

@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

@MrSpoonicorn

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@eborg01

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.