“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
birds and squirrels envy us
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok