I felt that…

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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*


Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill


The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.


“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong


When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.


Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.


They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.


Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song


HER: You didn’t make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?



professor x: yes, i can read minds


professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one