I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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For anyone who needs this today
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match