I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.