I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
You Might Also Like
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.