I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments