I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
my mind
You just read my mind
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to