I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.