Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Don’t we all.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard