Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some Old Testament wisdom

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?