Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.