I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
You Might Also Like
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Pringles
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies