I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”