Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Ugh

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.