I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.