@_SingleBabyMama

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

You Might Also Like

@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@LifeUnPinterest

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

@hippieswordfish

joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@aissalanis

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.