I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

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*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song


Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.


joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*


Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.


[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.


[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.


Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.