I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.