Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
That’s easy for you to say
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition