I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.