Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?