Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

i have one speed and it’s mosey

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”